It's In the Ink

Sir (Shepherd) asked me to write a page about my personal goals for this year, with the caveat that it not be about relationships, and not be about kink --- and I’m not sure where to begin.  I worry that any personal goals outside of my current ones to explore my own darkness and masochism, and to learn what it is that drives me to develop multiple, committed, romantic relationships, will seem shallow and contrived.

The truth is, I do have some basic goals that relate to my writing, to language and poetry.  It is my passion and the thing  -- after flying on pain induced endorphins -- that makes me feel most centered and most myself.  It’s the thing that is most me, outside of kink and poly relationships. I’m troubled though, because Sir and I recently talked about service, and about making my service something that mattered.  I am not sure that focusing on language and poetry benefits anyone but me.  That seems a bit selfish for service.  

 Honestly, things are just beginning to settle in one relationship after a very wonderful and very rocky roller-coaster of a year; and I am finally beginning to focus on the other. Strengthening my primary relationship is where most of my energy is going now.  In addition, life is full of work and moving and new additions to the family and -- well, life is always full.  But I spend a lot of time spinning my wheels when it comes to goals and accomplishing anything beyond relationships and discovering why I kink the way I do.

I realize I’m assuming that personal goals and service are connected.  It makes sense, but I have also been accused of over-thinking things.  


Often. 
And rightly so.  


I think maybe I’ve spent so much of the past three years fighting my way out of the cracked shell of my life -- testing my wings, flying, falling, trying again -- that I haven’t really thought much about anything beyond this.  That process of breaking out of my shell has been an emotionally and mentally taxing one. 

So, I ramble. 

But, coming back to the ink, the words, the language and writing and poetry --- I do have some goals, and they may seem small, or self-focused, or something.  And yes, I am most likely over-thinking, as I said.  One of my goals for 2012 is to finish twelve full length books, a mixture of fiction and non-fiction, just because I want to buy back some of the time I’ve not spent reading in the past several months.  I have lots of books going, and some I’ve finished, but many I’ve just made it through half or three-fourths and then gotten busy, and had to go back to them to begin again.  I want to line out a list of twelve good books and read them all before the end of the year.  For a writer, not reading stifles the flow of language and creative ideas.  I think it’s time to get back into the language stream.

The second thing I want to do involving language is to develop some sort of goal for poetry.  I’m considering a new poetry project each month, whether it’s something huge, like the sonnet corona, or something smaller, like the April poem-a-day challenge that I’ve done in the past. It usually results in a dozen or so good quality poems that can be organized into a chapbook.  I want a goal that actually means I’m producing poetry, instead of playing with it, but not finishing much.

Thirdly, I’ve been given a fourteen volume set of French erotica, and it’s being delivered this week.  I’m so excited, because I love the books themselves, and I can’t wait to see them on the shelf, but I also want to be able to read them, even though I currently don’t understand much French at all.  The goal is to dive into the language, translating poems and prose, and becoming familiar enough with the dynamics of it to incorporate it into the poetry I both read and write.  Beyond that, I want to also incorporate it into my prose and fiction, as well.  I’ve got a story going now that is set in St. Pierre at Carencro, Louisiana, and the bits of French I include give the storyline depth and texture.  I love that people who read either have to know a bit of French, or look up the words to get the full effect.  I enjoy reading works that challenge me a bit that way, and writing them pushes me to be more creative as well.  I want more of that.

I recently watched a YouTube video of a TED talk given by Sarah Kay.  She is an amazingly gifted spoken-word poet, and the things she shared moved me. She made me laugh, made me cry, and inspired me to do the thing that I’m most passionate about.  I truly believe this is why I was created -- words, ink, fiction and poetry, I am a writer, I am a poet.  It’s why I’m here.  I believe poets are compelled to see the world in moments, and to share those moments in words, to inspire people, to make them think, to shine a light on what it is to be human and alive.

 

This is my passion.  How does that translate into service?  I don’t know.  How does it make a difference to others?  I’m not sure.  But it is really what’s in my blood, and I know I’m not doing enough of it.  I don’t finish enough poems, or stories, I don’t post often enough on my blogs about my journey.  I don’t write like I used to, and I am busier than I was five years ago but this is important to me.  I need to find the time.  So, it’s where I’m going to begin. I’m going to set solid goals and work to accomplish them, because this is who I am, and what I need -- to swim in the language stream and spill large quantities of this  ink in my veins.

It’s what I’m made to do.

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