I Want More, Please

To write about what I want is a very broad brush stroke, and I am feeling very light hearted tonight.  I am not sure I want to write about serious things.  So, I will write about random things that I want.  Each of these things is something I really do want, but in a very playful sense, and perhaps in just dreaming and brainstorming about them I will find something that strikes a chord or plants a seed, and I will maybe begin to pursue something I hadn’t given much serious thought before.

There is a friend I follow on tumblr who posts photos and sketches he creates, and others that he finds beautiful.  He also posts occasionally, a line or two that begins with the phrase, “I want a girl...”  I love that concept, and I know that I’ve taken up that idea a few times, posting about how I want a girl who is all softness and curves.  I want a girl who likes the girl she sees in the mirror.  I love the fact that that door of possibility is open to me.  I love exploring the idea in my writing, and that even in my life now there is that path to explore at a comfortable and leisurely pace with no pressure, only love. I want to continue that.

I want to build a sanctuary in the new house, wherever it is... a room with books and books and a comfortable place to sit, and more books.  A library that inspires escape and creativity.  I want to make my own haven that isn’t a bedroom, and isn’t a place for everyone to gather, rather a place to go and find solitude, to write poetry, or read for hours.  I am eager to find that space anew, and let it help me find my center day after day.

I also want to create spaces that make my family feel at home. A kitchen that feels warm and inviting, and a living area with plenty of room for babies, and toddlers, for toys and music and games, as well as television and movies and relaxing.  I want to make this home over into a place that has room for everyone in the household, instead of it feeling like we just pushed things aside to make room for more people.

I want to open up and begin writing poetry again that is filled with the emotion I’ve been sort of holding back on for so many months.  I want to celebrate being in love instead of worrying that it’s too childish or young to sing songs and write poems about this amazing feeling.  I want to open up and be creative again, inspired by how happy I am and how grateful I feel to be so loved.  I want to set up a glass working station in a shed or a garage, to spend the time and energy on glass that I did a year and a half ago, and to feel that sense of accomplishment at having created beauty with something other than words.

I want to learn French, at least some French, in a way that is fun, and not work.  I want to enjoy the language, the beauty and music of it, and so with poetry as a focus, I want to translate and swim in that language.  I want to play with French words, and to discover what makes the poetry so lovely.

I want to enjoy these next weeks and months planning for a collaring commitment that I’ve been hoping for, and working toward for almost two years.  I want to dream and talk about what that commitment ceremony looks like, and about the meaningful gestures and words and things that will make it truly something that is mine and His. I don’t want to make things too complicated, I just want to figure out ways to celebrate that are simple and full of beauty and meaning for He and I.  I want to dream, and to plan, and to know that this is truly ours... and unlike anyone else’s.  I love Dragonfly Girl, and I am glad to be her sister.  I know that she counts her collar and her relationship with Sir as sacred.  I want to celebrate that, too.  I want to make my sacred commitment next to Shepherd, with my family watching, my pack watching.  I want to witness the commitment between Shepherd and Dragonfly Girl as a totally different event, and celebrate it with all the happiness I can give to them.  

I want to see my Sir smiling more.  To feel Him relaxing and enjoying the love we share, and the family he’s building.  I want to know that he feels confident and safe in my love, and in the love of the others in our pack.  I want to see him grow and become the Sir He is meant to be, and I want to walk that road of learning and growing beside Him, learning and growing myself.  I want to cast off old hurts, and see old scars continue to heal, while I celebrate the amazing thing that is our love, and our commitment to strengthening that love for a lifetime.  I want to know that I bring Him more smiles than stress, and that because of my contribution to His life, He finds things easier, happier, simpler and more beautiful than He ever dreamed.

I am happy... and I want more.

  

It's In the Ink

Sir (Shepherd) asked me to write a page about my personal goals for this year, with the caveat that it not be about relationships, and not be about kink --- and I’m not sure where to begin.  I worry that any personal goals outside of my current ones to explore my own darkness and masochism, and to learn what it is that drives me to develop multiple, committed, romantic relationships, will seem shallow and contrived.

The truth is, I do have some basic goals that relate to my writing, to language and poetry.  It is my passion and the thing  -- after flying on pain induced endorphins -- that makes me feel most centered and most myself.  It’s the thing that is most me, outside of kink and poly relationships. I’m troubled though, because Sir and I recently talked about service, and about making my service something that mattered.  I am not sure that focusing on language and poetry benefits anyone but me.  That seems a bit selfish for service.  

 Honestly, things are just beginning to settle in one relationship after a very wonderful and very rocky roller-coaster of a year; and I am finally beginning to focus on the other. Strengthening my primary relationship is where most of my energy is going now.  In addition, life is full of work and moving and new additions to the family and -- well, life is always full.  But I spend a lot of time spinning my wheels when it comes to goals and accomplishing anything beyond relationships and discovering why I kink the way I do.

I realize I’m assuming that personal goals and service are connected.  It makes sense, but I have also been accused of over-thinking things.  


Often. 
And rightly so.  


I think maybe I’ve spent so much of the past three years fighting my way out of the cracked shell of my life -- testing my wings, flying, falling, trying again -- that I haven’t really thought much about anything beyond this.  That process of breaking out of my shell has been an emotionally and mentally taxing one. 

So, I ramble. 

But, coming back to the ink, the words, the language and writing and poetry --- I do have some goals, and they may seem small, or self-focused, or something.  And yes, I am most likely over-thinking, as I said.  One of my goals for 2012 is to finish twelve full length books, a mixture of fiction and non-fiction, just because I want to buy back some of the time I’ve not spent reading in the past several months.  I have lots of books going, and some I’ve finished, but many I’ve just made it through half or three-fourths and then gotten busy, and had to go back to them to begin again.  I want to line out a list of twelve good books and read them all before the end of the year.  For a writer, not reading stifles the flow of language and creative ideas.  I think it’s time to get back into the language stream.

The second thing I want to do involving language is to develop some sort of goal for poetry.  I’m considering a new poetry project each month, whether it’s something huge, like the sonnet corona, or something smaller, like the April poem-a-day challenge that I’ve done in the past. It usually results in a dozen or so good quality poems that can be organized into a chapbook.  I want a goal that actually means I’m producing poetry, instead of playing with it, but not finishing much.

Thirdly, I’ve been given a fourteen volume set of French erotica, and it’s being delivered this week.  I’m so excited, because I love the books themselves, and I can’t wait to see them on the shelf, but I also want to be able to read them, even though I currently don’t understand much French at all.  The goal is to dive into the language, translating poems and prose, and becoming familiar enough with the dynamics of it to incorporate it into the poetry I both read and write.  Beyond that, I want to also incorporate it into my prose and fiction, as well.  I’ve got a story going now that is set in St. Pierre at Carencro, Louisiana, and the bits of French I include give the storyline depth and texture.  I love that people who read either have to know a bit of French, or look up the words to get the full effect.  I enjoy reading works that challenge me a bit that way, and writing them pushes me to be more creative as well.  I want more of that.

I recently watched a YouTube video of a TED talk given by Sarah Kay.  She is an amazingly gifted spoken-word poet, and the things she shared moved me. She made me laugh, made me cry, and inspired me to do the thing that I’m most passionate about.  I truly believe this is why I was created -- words, ink, fiction and poetry, I am a writer, I am a poet.  It’s why I’m here.  I believe poets are compelled to see the world in moments, and to share those moments in words, to inspire people, to make them think, to shine a light on what it is to be human and alive.

 

This is my passion.  How does that translate into service?  I don’t know.  How does it make a difference to others?  I’m not sure.  But it is really what’s in my blood, and I know I’m not doing enough of it.  I don’t finish enough poems, or stories, I don’t post often enough on my blogs about my journey.  I don’t write like I used to, and I am busier than I was five years ago but this is important to me.  I need to find the time.  So, it’s where I’m going to begin. I’m going to set solid goals and work to accomplish them, because this is who I am, and what I need -- to swim in the language stream and spill large quantities of this  ink in my veins.

It’s what I’m made to do.

"Going to an intellectual place when dealing with emotional issues is like trying to do grocery shopping at an auto parts store."

-Michael Rios

This quote struck me squarely today.  I think I may write about it soon.

For now it's a scribble tossed in the drawer.